“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Kahlil Gibran.
I think there is a myth persisting in this modern age that women need a relationship to complete them. I’ve seen it time and time again with clients, women in particular, refusing to let go of a relationship, despite it being toxic and harmful. The fear of being alone is often the reason they cite for remaining with their partner.
There is a vast difference between choosing to be alone and being lonely. They are two completely different beasts. For some reason we tend to put romantic love on a pedestal, while minimizing the value of other forms of love. Other cultures have differentiated between various forms of love. For instance when I learned Spanish, I learned that latinos say one of two things; “te amo”, which is what you say to a romantic partner, or “te quiero”, which is used more often with a close friend for whom one feels affection.
The ancient Greeks broke it it down into several categories demonstrating both their sophistication and understanding of the human condition which I daresay supersedes our own. To say I love you, is simplistic and falls short of the nuances implicit to the word, and how it’s understood in our modern day world. Perfect, romantic love is a myth that many of us have chased, searching for the Holy Grail of amor, which is ever elusive and never attained.
So how exactly did the ancient Greeks define love?
The first was Eros, or sexual passion. It was named after the god of fertility. In today’s modern world, many young people mistake this for a deeper form of love, which doesn’t always wear a pretty face and which only comes with maturity and hard work. In today’s throw-away society, relationships are often abandoned when the fire begins to burn low, and off they go in search of someone else with whom to recreate the passion they felt with their previous partner.
The second was philia or a deep friendship. The Greeks actually held this type of love in higher esteem than that of Eros. Philia was the love experienced between parents and their children referred to as storge, or the camaraderie experienced by soldiers on the battlefield. Philia is also associated with self-sacrifice, the willingness to give up your life for the ones that you love.
Ludus, was playfulness, the antics between lovers or friends. This could be flirting and teasing, or connecting with the childlike aspects of our adult selves, and something we could use more of in our lives. I have to say that humor and playfulness was always an attribute high on my list of preferences in a potential partner.
Agape love, is the highest form of love as it encompasses love for all people and sentient beings in acknowledgement of our inter-connectedness with all living things. With the decline of empathy in modern society, and the increase of narcissism, agape love is a jewel worthy of esteem.
Pragma is a love that endures through time, the love that couples who have been together for a significant period of time experience with one another. It is easy to fall in love, but it takes work to stay there. Pragma consists of patience, tolerance, understanding, clear communication, sacrifice, and negotiation if a relationship is to endure. Without those qualities, it is doomed to fail.
Now let’s talk about self-love, and here I distinguish between having compassion and forgiveness for self as opposed to the kind of self-serving narcissism that the rise of social media has begun to inculcate in young people. The Greek’s referred to compassion for self as Philautia. Unless we truly have compassion and caring for ourselves, we will lack the capacity to love others in the true sense of the word. Loving ourselves means having the ability to extend it to others.
Time and time again I see people who are looking to others to love them and give them definition as a person. In casting about to have their unmet needs met, they unwittingly attract someone exactly like themselves, someone who also feels empty inside, someone who is self-deprecating and desperate to have another person fill them up. The unfortunate part is that two people who are empty inside are like powerful magnets, attracting someone equally as unhealthy as themselves, and herein lies the tragedy and recipe for failure.
It is interesting that as I get older, I notice than many of my single female friends either don’t pursue romantic relationships, or if they do, don’t consider living under the same roof with that individual. We enjoy spending time alone, and by no means are we lonely. Having time alone allows us to dream, to reflect, to meditate, to get in touch with our higher selves, to create, and to connect with our spirituality. We are loved by friends and family, and that has great value. We don’t need a romantic partner in order to feel fulfilled.
No relationship can confer happiness and we alone are responsible to create our own. I have come to know myself intimately, and to mine own self, I remain true.
Seeking the Light 