Category: Self help

Posted in Healing, overcoming adversity, Self help

Don’t look back

Posted on by soniadubinsky

We all have a rear-view mirror. Sometimes we look back and smile at the things that brought us laughter, love, hilarity, and friendship. Mixed in among those pleasant recollections are the not so nice memories that all of us carry due to being human.

I’ve always been amused by those on-line dating profiles that state that they are looking for someone who comes baggage-free, because the truth is, we all have baggage due to having lived many experiences. It’s to what degree that we hold onto baggage that colors our present lives and the relationships we have with others.

We are fallible and imperfect. We make mistakes and screw up. We hurt others either intentionally, or by accident, creating collateral damage in our wake that later on becomes fodder for regret. If we are wise, we make amends and hopefully learn something from our missteps. The point is to move on afterwards and not remain mired in the residue of past actions.

Sometimes we become victims of someone else’s actions, and depending on the severity of circumstances, experience trauma. Individuals suffering from trauma get stuck in past memories, re-living them over and over again, and it seems like they are happening in the present moment. EMDR, tapping, and cognitive processing have proven to be helpful for some people.

I will write in greater depth regarding trauma in future blogs. Today I’m focusing on mindfulness, living in the moment, letting go of things that are outside of our control, and forgiveness, particularly the forgiveness that we should accord ourselves as well as others.

Each moment that passes is like water tumbling over a dam, never to be recaptured and irrevocably gone forever. Nothing that has occurred can be undone or rewound, and we really only have two choices. We can remain stuck in the problem coming up with a thousand “if only’s”, and “should haves”, but the fact remains that once the moment has passed we can either accept it, and make choices around what has occurred, or remain rooted in the problem.

Some people choose to pull a cart behind them, loading it up with all the crappy things they have done to others, or the crappy things others have done to them. With enough time, the cart gets heavy and becomes a burden. It also begins to color the way the world is viewed, which is devoid of color, and ostensibly black and white. Black and white thinking creates rigidity and cognitive distortions.

If we are constantly looking back, or trying to project ourselves into the future we are robbing ourselves of the wonder of “now”. In reality it is all we have that is tangible, and if we learn to embrace it and accept what it has to offer, both the challenges and the sublime, we will live more fully and deeply.

For those of you still hauling around a heavy cart full of anger, disappointment, sorrow, distrust, regret, and fear, perhaps it is time to unhitch that load and leave it behind. You’ll feel so much lighter.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others and engage in random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.

Posted in Healing, relationships, Self help

What is love?

Posted on by soniadubinsky

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Kahlil Gibran.

I think there is a myth persisting in this modern age that women need a relationship to complete them. I’ve seen it time and time again with clients, women in particular, refusing to let go of a relationship, despite it being toxic and harmful.  The fear of being alone is often the reason they cite for remaining with their partner.

There is a vast difference between choosing to be alone and being lonely. They are two completely different beasts. For some reason we tend to put romantic love on a pedestal, while minimizing the value of other forms of love. Other cultures have differentiated between various forms of love. For instance when I learned Spanish, I learned that latinos say one of two things; “te amo”, which is what you say to a romantic partner, or “te quiero”, which is used more often with a close friend for whom one feels affection.

The ancient Greeks broke it it down into several categories demonstrating both their sophistication and understanding of the human condition which I daresay supersedes our own.  To say I love you, is simplistic and falls short of the nuances implicit to the word, and how it’s understood in our modern day world. Perfect, romantic love is a myth that many of us have chased, searching for the Holy Grail of amor, which is ever elusive and never attained.

So how exactly did the ancient Greeks define love?

The first was Eros, or sexual passion. It was named after the god of fertility. In today’s modern world, many young people mistake this for a deeper form of love, which doesn’t always wear a pretty face and which only comes with maturity and hard work.  In today’s throw-away society, relationships are often abandoned when the fire begins to burn low, and off they go in search of someone else with whom to recreate the passion they felt with their previous partner.

The second was philia or a deep friendship. The Greeks actually held this type of love in higher esteem than that of Eros. Philia was the love experienced between parents and their children referred to as storge, or the camaraderie experienced by soldiers on the battlefield. Philia is also associated with self-sacrifice, the willingness to give up your life for the ones that you love.

Ludus, was playfulness, the antics between lovers or friends. This could be flirting and teasing, or connecting with the childlike aspects of our adult selves, and something we could use more of in our lives. I have to say that humor and playfulness was always an attribute high on my list of preferences in a potential partner.

Agape love, is the highest form of love as it encompasses love for all people and sentient beings in acknowledgement of our inter-connectedness with all living things.  With the decline of empathy in modern society, and the increase of narcissism, agape love is a jewel worthy of esteem.

Pragma is a love that endures through time, the love that couples who have been together for a significant period of time experience with one another. It is easy to fall in love, but it takes work to stay there.  Pragma consists of patience, tolerance, understanding, clear communication, sacrifice, and negotiation if a relationship is to endure.  Without those qualities, it is doomed to fail.

Now let’s talk about self-love, and here I distinguish between having compassion and forgiveness for self as opposed to the kind of self-serving narcissism that the rise of social media has begun to inculcate in young people. The Greek’s referred to compassion for self as Philautia.  Unless we truly have compassion and caring for ourselves, we will lack the capacity to love others in the true sense of the word. Loving ourselves means having the ability to extend it to others.

Time and time again I see people who are looking to others to love them and give them definition as a person. In casting about to have their unmet needs met, they unwittingly attract someone exactly like themselves, someone who also feels empty inside, someone who is self-deprecating and desperate to have another person fill them up. The unfortunate part is that two people who are empty inside are like powerful magnets, attracting someone equally as unhealthy as themselves, and herein lies the tragedy and recipe for failure.

It is interesting that as I get older, I notice than many of my single female friends either don’t pursue romantic relationships, or if they do, don’t consider living under the same roof with that individual.  We enjoy spending time alone, and by no means are we lonely.  Having time alone allows us to dream, to reflect, to meditate, to get in touch with our higher selves, to create, and to connect with our spirituality. We are loved by friends and family, and that has great value. We don’t need a romantic partner in order to feel fulfilled.

No relationship can confer happiness and we alone are responsible to create our own.  I have come to know myself intimately, and to mine own self, I remain true.

Posted in Healing, Inspiratioal writing, Self help

There’s No place like home

Posted on by soniadubinsky

Just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, we can lose our way when life throws us curve balls as well as difficult obstacles to overcome. Like Dorothy, we seldom realize that all along we have had the power to return to that place of sanctuary, that safe spot where we can exhale a sigh of relief . Home is not so much a physical location as it is being comfortable in our own skin, and realizing that no matter where we go or travel to, we take ourselves with us, which in the truest sense is home.

Being at home with ourselves, means knowing who we are at the deepest level. It means being in touch with our emotions, values, beliefs, and our spirituality. It means trusting ourselves enough that we are not swayed by others value systems, and not changing who we are in order to fit into someone else’s paradigm or to meet their expectations. Becoming chameleons in order to please others is not only exhausting, but a fundamental denial of who we are as individuals.

To thine own self, be true. Always, always stay true to who your are unless you are harming yourself or others. March to the beat of your own drum. Take the road less traveled. Take risks, and above all, don’t be afraid . If you don’t risk, you don’t truly live. There are no mistakes, but there are plenty of opportunities for learning. Everything is subject to revision. If one path is blocked or doesn’t lead you to where you want to go, then take another one. Don’t keep running down the same blind alley only to find yourself at the same place, wondering why nothing ever changes.

During those times when you find yourself stressed, tired, overworked, anxious or depressed, check in with yourself. Ask yourself what you need in the moment to be OK. Perhaps its a warm bath, or settling down with a book. Maybe it’s a cup of tea. Make sure you take time to relax and de-stress, never forgetting that you trust yourself enough that you are going to make loving choices for you.

Here at Serenity cottage we kick our shoes off and sit barefoot on the porch, listening to the hum of bees in the garden, the rustling of the wind in the trees, the chorus of birds, ensuring that we are living entirely in the present. That’s the meaning of home. Being present to self.